I am homesick.
I am at my "home".
And I am homesick.
I don't know how to explain it. I just know that I am meant for more than this. God has more purpose for my life than this. Today I had this overwhelming sense of "I don't belong here."
When I come "home" I always tend to do nothing. I am not productive.
Something I learned while in Costa Rica was that it is so important to have time to relax and reflect. But there is no need for that when I have done nothing to relax from or reflect on.
Yes, my family is here and I love them, my parents, my brother and his wife and my beautiful baby niece. But even when I am sitting in their living room holding my niece, I still feel homesick.
My heart is missing something, someone, somewhere.
Even when I leave this house that I sometimes call "home",
I do not believe that I am going to feel anymore at home in LaGrange.
In Costa Rica, I experienced the feeling of knowing that I was walking perfectly in God's will. I was in constant communication with Him. I was working in His Name, and I was relaxing in His presence. That is not to say that I couldn't experience that in LaGrange or Moultrie, my "homes", but that has yet to happen. I am too comfortable and confident in myself in these places.
It wasn't until I was completely out of my comfort zone that I found myself fully relying on God. I have never been less stressed-out or less worried in my life. I have never been so trusting, with even the little things. And now that I am back in my comfort-zone, I feel disconnected. I feel homesick, because my home is in the presence of the Lord. My home is in His will, wherever that takes me.
I don't know where the Lord is going to take me next. I think I know, and I have plans, but His plans are much greater than my plans. I look at pictures of Costa Rica and get emotional when I see the faces of my friends and the beautiful children and people that I met there. I miss it so much. I do not know if the Lord will take me back there. I do not know if that will be my "home" one day.
But I do know that right now I am homesick.
I miss the place I was at physically, spiritually, and emotionally in Costa Rica.
I want to feel at home again.
We make our plans but it is God who directs our steps. Amy we have to be willing to go across the street as well as across the ocean. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteBro. Brian
I had these exact feelings while I was back in south GA for those few months between graduation and going on active duty. No joke, I said almost all of the same things you said above word for word and became very restless. He made it clear then that that time was for me to prepare for what was coming, to grow spiritually, and be ready to leave everyone I knew behind with Him alone left to rely on. Being here now, life is different/challenging, but I know I am right where He wants me and in a larger mission field than I ever imagined. I am now "home". Stay strong and enjoy this time to grow in Him because I am certain God will use you now and wherever you are sent next!
ReplyDelete-Zach
Amy, I can relate... I experienced this too upon my return from El Salvador last year. I like the word you used - "disconnected" - and that's exactly how I felt when I got back into my daily American routine at home. What I have learned in the past 15-16 months is that Christ calls us to live out of our comfort zones everyday, no matter where we are. He calls us to be a "peculiar people" (1 Peter 2:9) and to be in the world but "not of the world" (John 17:13-16).... Why then should we let culture dictate how we live our lives? I have found that it is a challenge to be a follower of Christ, to be willing to give up our safety and financial security and walk-in closets and everything else that society says we need to live today. These things I once viewed as blessings, but now I see them as merely distractions from an intimate relationship with Him.
ReplyDeleteYour frustrations and feelings of disconnectedness are certain to pass if you continue to seek after God's own heart. Use your experiences in Costa Rica, like my experiences in El Salvador and Ecuador, to help you remember what truly matters in this life and what that bold trust in God truly feels like. Allow the Lord to show you how He can use you here and now, and know even when you do not feel "at home" that He is shaping and molding you for His purpose.
Thanks for sharing, and God bless!
-Stephanie Fowler